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[Pumpetypump]

Oh if we are throwing our partners under the bus too I'll have a load. Her indoors has been raised so proper that she accidentally says thank you to objects. So far, she's said thanks to a cash point several times and the odd sliding door.

Pumpetypump wrote:

Oh if we are throwing our partners under the bus too I'll have a load. Her indoors has been raised so proper that she accidentally says thank you to objects. So far, she's said thanks to a cash point several times and the odd sliding door.

That's completely the sort of thing I do as well. I have two small boys, and (as I'm sure every parent does) I point things out to them when travelling.

So it was 7:20 on the packed Sheffield train to London, and I was absent-mindedly looking out the window. We passed a field of cows.

"Oooh look," I said out loud, completely forgetting where I was and who I was sitting at a table with, "Moo cows"

To a table of besuited, and bemused businessmen.

Paddy was at the bar and ordered 5 pints of bitter.
Barman said “would you like a tray?”

Paddy said “no thanks, won’t be able to carry that as well”

Scarey71 wrote:

I got my dog from the local blacksmith....

Soon as I got home he made a bolt for the door.

wonder if it was the same guy who sold us ours called woodbine,
he had both hind legs missing but enjoyed going out for a drag

[Bulliac]

If we're also doing true stories which just happen to be funny then I'll sling this one in:

now, please note this is not an 'Irish joke', as they are generally lovely people and don't deserve it. However...many years back, when I was in a band doing the pubs and clubs of Northern England we once got a gig at a Catholic club in Leeds, sort of in the Hunslet area. I looked it up on the street map and it seemed easy to find but, pre (by a long time) sat-nav the inevitable happened and we got lost. However, all was not lost as we were near at a long queue standing at a bus stop, and someone was bound to know where it was. And they did. a very nice chap who just happened to Irish -perfect for knowing where the Catholic club would be!

"Ah, you need to go back up to the red light at the crossroads. Then turn left and go down the hill about half a mile and you'll see the church- you can't miss it. Have you got that? back to the red... no no, to the GREEN light, turn left etc"

There are some things you just can't make up, though I confess I used it as a joke for years in the band and I've heard it told by others - but it was me it really happened to!

[Bulliac]

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?''Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Put him down --- because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

[Pumpetypump]

A pregnant woman is on the bed in advanced labour when she suddenly shouts out "I'mWon'tIt'sShouldn'tThat's"

The midwife comes rushing in and says "I don't think it's going to be long now. Those contractions seemed very close together."

When scuba divers are sat facing inwards on the edge of the dinghy before rolling backwards into the water. Why do they do that?

Maccbull_BigBullyBooaza wrote:

When scuba divers are sat facing inwards on the edge of the dinghy before rolling backwards into the water. Why do they do that?

...because if the rolled forward they’d fall back into the boat.