RLFANS.COM
Celebrating
23 years service to
the Rugby League
Community!
WWW.RLFANS.COM • View topic - Joke thread.
Re: Joke thread. Sat Jan 26, 2013 10:57 pm  
Re: Joke thread.
Sat Jan 26, 2013 10:57 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
The husband was in pure ecstasy .. a far-away, contented glaze in his eyes And a huge, gentle, knowing smile on his face as he softly murmured.

He was obviously, "totally in the moment" as his wife moved rapidly forward toward him.. Then equally rapidly, backwards away from him.

She was moving in that steady undulating rhythm that he had come to know so well .. First , teasingly rapidly forward, then slowly backwards only to be repeated with increasing pace And anxious determination. Again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Sometime in one long, steady, drawn-out motion... Sometimes in a series of short urgent Spurts of movement... But always keeping her focus on the same objective.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed... She was starting to sweat but she was So totally engrossed in the act that she never recognized it nor would she have cared Even if she had recognized it.. her focus was solely and totally upon her husband. Giving way to her inner feelings, she started to moan... At first, a soft, barely audible whimper Escaped her tightly pursed lips, then, her intensity and passion rising almost as rapidly As her inhibitions were escaping her, she abandoned all pretence. Her moans rising in volume, Frequency and intensity, she began to groan ever louder and louder. She began mumbling Several obscene phrases that would make a veteran sailor blush... She was totally oblivious To the world around her.

Finally, totally exhausted, she could control herself no longer .. She let out an almighty, ear-piercing scream and shouted,

"OK, OK!.... You're right !!! I CAN'T park the f...king car! ... You do it, you SMUG b@stard!"
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Tue Feb 26, 2013 9:06 am  
Re: Joke thread.
Tue Feb 26, 2013 9:06 am  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago, you would have £49.00 today!

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00...

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

Also, consider this;

A recent study found that the average British man walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the British man drinks, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average,the British get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be British!
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Atheist Humor Fri May 10, 2013 9:36 am  
Atheist Humor
Fri May 10, 2013 9:36 am  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Are you a real pilot? I thought I was ... Fri Jun 07, 2013 8:28 am  
Are you a real pilot? I thought I was ...
Fri Jun 07, 2013 8:28 am  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: 'are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Thu Jan 09, 2014 9:50 am  
Re: Joke thread.
Thu Jan 09, 2014 9:50 am  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

vexed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."

”Rubbish,” replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head..

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:12 pm  
Re: Joke thread.
Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:12 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
----- FROM ROLLS ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE -----

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story).

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo :


1."Defrost the chicken."
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:17 pm  
Re: Joke thread.
Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:17 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
Sometime after the Scottish Referendum:


David Cameron and Boris Johnson were breaking into a Scottish distillery one night.
David Cameron asked "Do you think this is whisky?"
Boris Johnson replied, "Pwobably not as whisky as wobbing a bank."
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Fri Jul 14, 2017 2:10 pm  
Re: Joke thread.
Fri Jul 14, 2017 2:10 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact, "SH*T" said Claude.

...It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited back again!
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Fri Sep 01, 2017 2:48 pm  
Re: Joke thread.
Fri Sep 01, 2017 2:48 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Member for 10 years
The Priest was in the confessional box when a male parishioner entered the confessional.

"Forgive me Father because I have sinned."

"What did you do my Son" said the Priest. The parishioner replied that a new woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her.

The Priest said "say 3 Hail Marys and God will forgive you, now go in Peace."

A second Parishioner then went into the confessional and said to the Priest "Forgive me Father because I have sinned."

"What is your sin" asked the Priest. The Parishioner replied that a New Woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her.

"What is her name" asked the Priest. "Its Fanny Green" replied the Parishioner. "Well," said the Priest "say 10 Hail Marys and God will forgive you now go in Peace."

A third Parishioner then entered the Confessional and said "Forgive me Father because I have sinned." "How did you sin?" asked the Priest.

The Parishioner replied that a new woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her. "Was her name Fanny Green?" asked the Priest.

"Yes it was" said the Parishioner. "Say 15 Hail Marys and God will forgive you" stated the Priest.

The Following Sunday during mass the Priest noticed a new woman dressed all in green with a very short skirt and highly polished green shoes sitting in the front row right in front of him.

The Priest bent down and whispered in the ear of an Altar Boy "is that Fanny Green?"

"I don’t think so, "said the Altar boy, "it is just a reflection from her shoes!"
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Previous

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 37 guests

REPLY

Subject: 
Message:
   
Please note using apple style emoji's can result in posting failures.
Use the FULL EDITOR to better format content or upload images, be notified of replies etc...

Return to Keighley Cougars


RLFANS Recent Posts
FORUM
LAST
POST
TOPIC
POSTER
POSTS
57m
TODAYS MATCHES Monday 23rd of May 2022
Marvin
1
FORUM
LAST
VIEW
TOPIC
POSTER
POSTS
16s
Les Dyl
ploinerrhino
4
50s
Cup final crowd
hengirl
98
57s
Broncos Ladies
BroncoTed
8
1m
The hallmark of a great team
Jason65
29
1m
vs Workington H
Jack Gaskell
21
1m
leigh vs fev
Vancouver Le
11
1m
Game - Song Titles 20212
Wanderer
8411
1m
Rumours and signings v9
WWste
23103
2m
2022 Betfred Championship Round Twelve Round Up
RLFANS News
1
2m
Relegation Thoughts
Wollo-Wollo-
85
FORUM
NEW
TOPICS
TOPIC
POSTER
POSTS
TODAY
TODAYS MATCHES Monday 23rd of May 2022
Marvin
1
TODAY
leigh vs fev
Vancouver Le
11
TODAY
June-make or break
Victor
9
TODAY
2022 Betfred Championship Round Twelve Round Up
RLFANS News
1
Random Topics selected.
POSTSONLINEMEMBERSRECORD
19.31Million 911 79,06634,030
LOGIN HERE
or REGISTER for more features!.

When you register you get access to the live match scores, live match chat and you can post in the discussions on the forums.
RL CHAT MEMBERS ONLY
RLFANS Match Centre

TABLES:
 TODAY
       Championship 2022-R12
19:45
Sheffield
v
Widnes
ALL SCORES PROVIDED BY RLFANS.COM (SETTINGS)
Matches on TV
Mon 23rd May
CH RND: 12
19:45
Sheffield-Widnes
Sat 28th May
CC2022 RND: 9
15:00
Wigan-Huddersfield
1895 RND: 3
12:00
Featherstone-Leigh
Thu 2nd Jun
CH RND: 13
12:30
Workington-LondonB
Fri 3rd Jun
SL RND: 14
20:00
Warrington-Leeds
Sat 4th Jun
SL RND: 14
14:00
Castleford-Wigan
Mon 6th Jun
CH RND: 14
19:45
Featherstone-Bradford
Fri 10th Jun
SL RND: 15
20:00
Salford-Wigan
Sat 11th Jun
SL RND: 15
18:00
Catalans-Hull FC
Mon 13th Jun
CH RND: 15
19:45
Leigh-Featherstone
Sat 18th Jun
MINT2022 RND: 1
17:30
England-ALL STARS
WINT2022 RND: 1
15:00
ENGLAND-FRANCE
Thu 23rd Jun
SL RND: 16
20:00
St.Helens-Leeds
Fri 24th Jun
SL RND: 16
20:00
Warrington-Hull FC
Sun 26th Jun
SL RND: 16
15:15
Hull KR-Huddersfield
Mon 27th Jun
CH RND: 16
19:45
Barrow-Halifax
Fri 8th Jul
CH RND: 18
19:45
Newcastle-Bradford
Sat 9th Jul
SL RND: 18
19:00
Leeds-Castleford
SL RND: 18
16:45
St.Helens-Wigan
SL RND: 18
14:30
Wakefield-Toulouse
Sun 22nd May
CH RND: 12 Batley28-12LondonB
CH RND: 12 Dewsbury18-20Barrow
CH RND: 12 Leigh58-6Workington
CH RND: 12 York24-40Halifax
NRL RND: 11 Souths12-32Canberra
NRL RND: 11 Gold Coast18-25Cronulla
L1 RND: 9 Keighley29-18Midlands
WLS2022G1 RND: 2 YorkW13-6St.HelensW
WLS2022G2 RND: 2 BradfordW12-8LeighW
WLS2022G2 RND: 2 Wire W86-0WakefieldW
WLS2022G2 RND: 2 FeatherstoneW56-6CastlefordW
Sat 21st May
CH RND: 12 Bradford36-20Newcastle
CH RND: 12 Featherstone78-0Whitehaven
NRL RND: 11 St.George24-18NZ Warriors
NRL RND: 11 NQL Cowboys36-6Melbourne
NRL RND: 11 Sydney12-32Penrith
L1 RND: 9 Swinton54-16Cornwall
L1 RND: 9 Rochdale46-28Doncaster
L1 RND: 9 West Wales12-50Hunslet
SL RND: 13 Hull FC31-22Wigan
This is an inplay table and positions can change as matches are in play.
Betfred Championship 2022 ROUND : 12
 PLDFADIFFPTS
Featherstone 12 488 146 342 23
Leigh 12 482 92 390 22
York 12 300 206 94 18
Halifax 12 338 200 138 16
Batley 11 254 205 49 15
Barrow 12 235 272 -37 15
 
Bradford 12 252 255 -3 12
Sheffield 10 246 204 42 10
Widnes 11 263 290 -27 10
Newcastle 12 242 298 -56 10
Whitehaven 12 182 422 -240 6
Dewsbury 12 169 386 -217 4
LondonB 12 152 338 -186 3
Workington 12 134 423 -289 0
This is an inplay table and positions can change as matches are in play.
Betfred League One 2022 ROUND : 9
 PLDFADIFFPTS
Keighley 8 319 66 253 16
Crusaders 8 335 106 229 16
Rochdale 9 376 200 176 14
Swinton 8 346 131 215 12
Doncaster 9 264 242 22 10
Hunslet 8 226 168 58 9
 
Oldham 7 222 160 62 5
Midlands 8 222 261 -39 4
West Wales 8 60 462 -402 2
LondonS 7 92 374 -282 0
Cornwall 8 106 398 -292 0
This is an inplay table and positions can change as matches are in play.
Betfred Super League XXVII ROUND : 13
 PLDFADIFFPTS
St.Helens 13 308 126 182 22
Catalans 13 290 172 118 20
Wigan 13 332 271 61 18
Huddersfield 13 289 226 63 17
Hull FC 13 284 230 54 16
Castleford 13 285 288 -3 12
 
Hull KR 13 210 256 -46 12
Warrington 13 268 310 -42 10
Salford 13 263 312 -49 10
Leeds 13 193 246 -53 9
Wakefield 13 198 324 -126 6
Toulouse 13 202 361 -159 4
This is an inplay table and positions can change as matches are in play.
National Rugby League 2022 ROUND : 11
 PLDFADIFFPTS
Melbourne 11 408 178 230 18
Penrith 11 322 189 133 18
NQL Cowboys 11 287 131 156 16
Cronulla 11 244 186 58 14
Brisbane 11 233 181 52 14
Parramatta 11 281 233 48 14
Sydney 11 233 200 33 12
Souths 11 236 235 1 10
 
Canberra 11 190 223 -33 10
Manly 11 212 252 -40 10
St.George 11 175 258 -83 10
NZ Warriors 11 198 287 -89 8
Gold Coast 11 178 265 -87 6
Wests 11 162 254 -92 6
Newcastle 11 136 284 -148 6
Canterbury 11 118 257 -139 4
RLFANS Recent Posts
FORUM
LAST
POST
TOPIC
POSTER
POSTS
57m
TODAYS MATCHES Monday 23rd of May 2022
Marvin
1
FORUM
LAST
VIEW
TOPIC
POSTER
POSTS
16s
Les Dyl
ploinerrhino
4
50s
Cup final crowd
hengirl
98
57s
Broncos Ladies
BroncoTed
8
1m
The hallmark of a great team
Jason65
29
1m
vs Workington H
Jack Gaskell
21
1m
leigh vs fev
Vancouver Le
11
1m
Game - Song Titles 20212
Wanderer
8411
1m
Rumours and signings v9
WWste
23103
2m
2022 Betfred Championship Round Twelve Round Up
RLFANS News
1
2m
Relegation Thoughts
Wollo-Wollo-
85
FORUM
NEW
TOPICS
TOPIC
POSTER
POSTS
TODAY
TODAYS MATCHES Monday 23rd of May 2022
Marvin
1
TODAY
leigh vs fev
Vancouver Le
11
TODAY
June-make or break
Victor
9
TODAY
2022 Betfred Championship Round Twelve Round Up
RLFANS News
1
Random Topics selected.


Visit the RLFANS.COM SHOP
for more merchandise!